Great Bumper Stickers!

"Great" is a subjective term. For instance, is a Great White shark all that great? We suspect there are a good number of Unexceptional White sharks. Oh, well, on to the bumper stickers!

Submit a Bumper Sticker          Click Here For Hilarious Bumper Stickers

Bumper sticker of the year:
 "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
Submitted by: Sen. Debby P. Sanderson  4800 N.E. 20th Terrace, Suite 401  Fort Lauderdale, Fl.  33308

Roland's Personal Favorite:
"Happy will be the day when education has all the money it needs and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."

More Favorites:
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
All generalizations are false.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Get your own bumper sticker and stop staring at mine.
Submitted by Samantha M.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
Submitted by Nancy J.
I've upped my standards, now up yours.
Nonconformists are all alike.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely the first time.
Submitted by Danielle
I'm not a schizophrenic. And neither am I.
Submitted by John G.
I'm not as think as you confused I am.
Submitted by Piper H.
Telepath wanted. You know where to apply.
Virginity is curable.
Submitted by Vern R.
I'm not speeding. I'm just qualifying.
Submitted by Doug J.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Submitted by Daniel F.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Submitted by Kylie G.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Submitted by Brandy D.
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
Submitted by Kylie G.
You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
Some call it stalking, I call it love.
Fight organized crime. Abolish the IRS.
Submitted by Brad J.
You never see a Harley parked in front of a shrink's office.
Submitted by Karin
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Submitted by Abe
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
Submitted by Abe
Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
Submitted by Jennifer
You have every right to hear my opinion.
If you can read this, there’s someone in front of me.
Submitted by Echo L.
If Democrats and Republicans could read they would be Libertarians.
Submitted by Roscoe K.
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It's our job to arrange the meeting.
Submitted by Vince N.
Will the last American leaving Miami, please bring the flag?
Submitted by Paul C.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
Submitted by Gary A.
Let him who is without aim cast the first stone.
Submitted by Nesta J.
Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
Submitted by Matt H.
Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield.
Submitted by Todd B.
If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.
Submitted by Amanda M.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Submitted by Michael H.
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
Submitted by Stefanie B.
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure miss him.
Submitted by John R.
Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Submitted by Ken L.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Submitted by Dan L.
Government. If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Submitted by Dan L.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
Submitted by Pam B.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.
Worry. God knows all about you.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Vote Democrat—it's easier than working!
Vote Republican—it's easier than thinking!
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.
Warning: Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.
Always remember—you're unique, just like everyone else.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Keep working, millions on welfare depend on you.
Submitted by Dave W.
Keys in ignition, car left unlocked, purse left on dashboard. Rottweiler on the back seat.
Submitted by Sal
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Submitted by Pierre D.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.
Submitted by Mark R.
Common sense isn't very common.
Submitted by Jeff W.
Non-conformists of the world unite!
Submitted by Devon F.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Submitted by Rob D.
Let's let the anti-gun people fight the next war.
Submitted by Andy T.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Submitted by Reuben M.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Submitted by Lelie
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


OK, and here are some more......

The best things in life aren't things.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Diarrhea is a hereditary illness. It runs in the family.

I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk?

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Never let school get in the way of your education.

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Is there life before coffee?

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

Constipated people don't give a crap.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

Help end poverty. Eat the poor.

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The less hair I have, the more head I get.

Bad spellers of the world ewnite!

The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock.

I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Submitted by Cassie A.

Everything coming your way? You're in the wrong lane.

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

Don't laugh at these fogged up windows. It's your daughter in here.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Your proctologist called. They found your head.

I didn't go to work today. The little voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns.
Submitted by Chris L.

Gravity's the only thing keeping me here.
Submitted by David H.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

Finish your beer. There are sober people in China.
Submitted by Louisa B.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Submitted by Norm M.

Penny for your thoughts. Twenty to act them out.
Submitted by Ben W.

My dog can lick anyone.
Submitted by Nancy J.

Beer. Teaching white people to dance since 1867.
Submitted by Mike T.

How may I ignore you today?
Submitted by Paul T.

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.
Submitted by Wallace T.

Lead me not into temptation. I know my own way.
Submitted by Piper H.

So, when's the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?
Submitted by Jada P.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Submitted by Coleen R.

Saturday has a morning?
Submitted by Piper H.

Visualize using your turn signal.
Submitted by Tom Y.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Submitted by M.J.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you are a moron.
Submitted by Penny C.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Submitted by M.J.

If I ever want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Submitted by M.J

Having children is like being pecked to death by ducks.
Submitted by Michael W.

Don't follow me. I'm lost, too.
Submitted by Georgiana B.

Sex is a killer. Want to die happy?
Submitted by M.J

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Today isn't your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too hot, either.
Submitted by Larry S.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Submitted by Chris F.

Born again Hindi.

Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Submitted by Lowell

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.
Submitted by Nancy

Help, I'm being followed by paranoids!
Submitted by J.D.

Don't you have to go feed your flying monkeys?

I don't do perky.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view,
but I just can't get my head that far up my butt.

I had a good wife once. Then she went home to her husband.
Submitted by Ed

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Submitted by M.J.

I'm in my own little world, but that's O.K. They know me here.

Heck is where people go that don't believe in gosh.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Stop animal experimentation. Use lawyers.

I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Submitted by Kylie G.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Submitted by Brandy D.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles from the next exit.
Submitted by Kylie G.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.
Submitted by Kylie G.

Boldly going nowhere.
Submitted by Kylie G.

Big objects behind me make me really nervous.
Submitted by Timothy C.

Survival of the species does not depend on you.
Submitted by Timothy C.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Submitted by Kylie G.

Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!

Cats are dogs with a college education.

I know milk does a body good, but damn, how much did you drink?

I'm not bald. It's a solar panel for a sex machine.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If you like my bumper, you'd love my headlights.

Thank you for not breeding.

Ninety-eight percent of all Fords are still on the road. The other two percent made it home.

My other car is a Zamboni.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.

I hate coffee. It keeps me awake at work.

Freelance gynecologist.

Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.

My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate, so I got two more girlfriends.

Are you happy or are you married?

If you can read this, I've lost my boat.

I'm a handy man, I'll screw anything.
Submitted by Knut S.

Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.

I hate intolerance.
Submitted by David S.

Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

It's men like you that make women gay.
Submitted by Karin

Not tonight dear, I have a modem.

Friends don't let friends line dance.
Submitted by Karin

You have to be really secure to be seen in a car like this.

I drive like lightning. I hit trees.
Submitted by David Q.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject.
Submitted by Blaze B.

If you can't say something nice about somebody, then you've come to the right place.
Submitted by Blaze B.

Men. Give them an inch and they think they're a ruler.
Submitted by Sheila C.

Marilize legajuana.
Submitted by Mark P.

I've given up bowling for sex because you don't have to take your shoes off and the balls are lighter.
Submitted by Patty H.

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
Submitted by Heather O.

Chaste makes waste.
Submitted by Donnie J.

It only seems kinky the first time.
Submitted by Piper H.

Yes, this is my truck. No, I won't help you move.
Submitted by Clint E.

Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
Submitted by Autumn S.

Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Submitted by Tom Y.

Necrophilia is dead.
Submitted by Jon Y.

The male sex drive prevents extinction. The female sex drive prevents overpopulation.
Submitted by Kyle B.

I tried self-restraint, once, but I couldn't close the fourth handcuff.
Submitted by Katt T.

What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
Submitted by Faith H.

With enough thrust, lift is irrelevant.
Submitted by Jennifer

Infertility is inconceivable.
Submitted by Drew B.

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?
Submitted by Gary M.

The only problem with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.
Submitted by Aislinn L.

All extremists should be shot.
Submitted by Scott

I'm not a slut! I'm popular.
Submitted by Leslie R.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Submitted by Carol E.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.

It's not my fault I'm the only one in the world who knows how to drive correctly.
Submitted by Dani B.

How do you pamper your parents? That depends.
Submitted by Jeri S.

Old truckers never die. They just get a new Peterbilt.
Submitted by Russ F.

Sacred cows make great hamburger.
Submitted by Karen K.

Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.
Submitted by Janet M.

If the music's too loud, you're too old.

Lord, I wish to find you, but spare me from those who have!
Submitted by James C.

It looks to me like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
Submitted by Dani B.

I am the bad thing that happens to good people.

Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
Submitted by Julie

My girlfriend only has one breast so I got her a part-time job at Hooters.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to recent cutbacks.
Submitted by Nicole B.

Dr. Kevorkian for White House physician.
Submitted by Mark C.

Hot Flash? No, power surge!
Submitted by Lane T.

Charter Member: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
Submitted by Mark M.

God loves you and I'm trying.
Submitted by John B.

All men are idiots. I married their king.
Submitted by Kim F.

If guns are outlawed, can I still use my sword?
Submitted by Shannon S.

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.
Submitted by Terrence W.

Sorry my car's a piece of crap, my parents didn't buy it for me.
Submitted by K.G.

I feel so much better since I've given up hope.
Submitted by Valerie A.

Honk if you see something fall off.
Submitted by Ned S.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Submitted by John W.

Caution: Will brake for tailgaters.
Submitted by Amber H.

If you think this car is dirty, then you should spend a night with the driver!
Submitted by Alyson T.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Submitted by Ashlyn A.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils—people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.  Submitted by Al Z.

Drugs cause amnesia...and other things I can't remember.
Submitted by Ashlyn A.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Submitted by David F.

The more things change the more they suck!
Submitted by Eileen K.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just hilarious.
Submitted by Ashlyn A.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Submitted by Danielle F.

I live in my own little world, but that's okay. Everybody knows me here.
Submitted by Ginger O.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Submitted by Mary Ann D.

They said it couldn't be done and I proved it.
Submitted by Brenda M.

I brake for hallucinations.
Submitted by Michael D.

Club soda, not seals.
Submitted by Cathy H.

Well behaved women rarely make history.
Submitted by Kathy R.

We are the people our parents warned us about.
Submitted by T.J.

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Submitted by Jeri S.

Skydiving—good to the last drop.
Submitted by Jim

I'm a giant midget.
Submitted by Kraig D.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh.
Submitted by Aislinn L.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.
Submitted by Aislinn L.

To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group.
Submitted by Aislinn L.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Submitted by Aislinn L.

So few cats. So few recipes.
Submitted by Rex P.

The last time they combined religion and government, people got burned at the stake.
Submitted by R. Forsythe

Boycott ignorance. Sleep in this Sunday.
Submitted by R. Forsythe

Uncle Sam wants you...to bend over.
Submitted by R. Forsythe

If at first you don't succeed, aim lower.
Submitted by Rich T.

It's been lovely. I must scream now.
Submitted by Susan H.

Unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Submitted by Dean M.

It may be a small world, but I'd sure hate to paint it.
Submitted by John S.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Submitted by Michael H.

I doubt, therefore I might be.
Submitted by Michael H.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Submitted by Michael H.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Submitted by John A.

Practice random and senseless acts.
Submitted by Sean M.

Eat a beaver. Save a tree.
Submitted by Teresa S.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Submitted by Lelie

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Submitted by Lelie

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Submitted by Jeff M.L.

I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.
Submitted by Raven

This may not be the Mayflower, but your daughter came across in it.
Submitted by Rob H.

I'm not littering, I'm donating to the Earth!
Submitted by Kyle C.

Save a man from drowning. Take your foot off his head.
Submitted by Nesta J.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Submitted by Jon G.

If morons could fly, this place would be an airport.
Submitted by Donna S.

I think, therefore I'm single.
Submitted by Ed D.

I snatch kisses and vice versa.
Submitted by Rich T.

You say "psycho" like it's a bad thing.
Submitted by Courtney B.

My other ride is your girlfriend.
Submitted by Peter M.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. I'm going to miss her.

You keep just keep honking, then tonight wonder where your boyfriend is.
Submitted by Melissa E.

Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
Submitted by Gigi

Please do not honk. Driver trying to sleep.
Submitted by Lillie M.

Cracker Jacks must be in the license business again.
Submitted by Lillie M..

I believe in dragons, good men and other mythological creatures.
Submitted by Erika G.

Have a nice day, somewhere else.
Submitted by Stefanie B.

Heaven won't take me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Submitted by Anthony P.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Submitted by Melissa E.

Don't let your mind wonder. It's too little to be left alone.
Submitted by Erika G.

I can tell your parents are close. I'm guessing second cousins.
Submitted by Haley

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Submitted by Holly C.

I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
Submitted by Holly C.

I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
Submitted by Holly C.

Pass with care. I chew tobacco.
Submitted by J.C.

Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch.
Submitted by Jan G.

In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
Submitted by Pam B.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
Submitted by Pam B.

Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
Submitted by Pam B.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
Submitted by Pam B.

I’m out of bed and dressed—what more do you want?
Submitted by Michelle R.

Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

Fishing is not a matter of life or death—it's more important than that.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

I is a college student.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Give blood—play hockey.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Wink. I'll do the rest.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Conserve water. Shower with a friend.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It's as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Exxon Suxx.

Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.

I don't care who you are, what you are driving or where you would rather be.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Join the Army. Visit exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.

Support your local undertaker—drop dead.

God must love stupid people—he made so many.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

Men aren't pigs...pigs are gentle, cute creatures!

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

Never fight ugly people—they have nothing to loose.

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!

I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.

This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!

My wife's other car is a broom.

Honk if you hate noise pollution.

I have a problem with drinking—two hands and only one mouth.

A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.

Save California—when you leave, take someone with you.

Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.

Lost your cat? Look under my tires.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.

I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!

I have PMS and a gun...excuse me, did you have something to say?

Fight crime, shoot back.

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting!

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

Back off. I'm a postal worker.

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit!"

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The early worm gets caught.

Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good!

Plunder globally. Manage media locally.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Mom's Travel Agency—ask about our guilt trips.

Ex-wife for sale. Just take over payments.

Dysfunctional family on board.

I love cats...they taste like chicken.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Rehab is for quitters.

Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

So many lawyers, so few bullets.

So many idiots...so few comets.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my great uncle, not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!

Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.

I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!

If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Live simply...so I can have the stuff you don't use!

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Born free (my father's a doctor).

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Learn from your parents' mistakes—use birth control.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Stamp out crime—abolish the IRS.

Old skiers never die—they just go downhill.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

I brake for hallucinations.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Earth first! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

"I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to go to meetings."
Submitted by David O.

Smith & Wesson—the original point and click interface.
Submitted by Kiki T.

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!
Submitted by Kiki T.

Do not wash. Vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
Submitted by Dave W.

I'm on the road constantly, where the heck is Easy Street?
Submitted by Dave W.

Do you think you'd drive any better with that phone up your butt?
Submitted by Lance T.

Snowmobiles: Natural selection at its finest.
Submitted by Brent R.

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
Submitted by Brent R.

My kid beat up your honor student.
Submitted by Brent R.

If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
Submitted by Sal

Prevent death on the road. Drive on the pavement.
Submitted by Sal

I'll do anything for money, except work.
Submitted by T.J.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Submitted by David F.

I haven't had my coffee yet, don't make me kill you.
Submitted by Shellie

Housework is evil, it must be stopped.
Submitted by Shellie

Can I pay off my Visa with my Mastercard?
Submitted by Melinda

I might be driving slowly, but I'm still in front of you.
Submitted by Pierre D.

My karma ran over my dogma.
Submitted by Felicity H.

Cabtender I'm fitshased call me a bar to take me drunk I'm home.
Submitted by Bee Jay S.

Visualize whirled peas.
Submitted by Bob S.

Pray for the success of atheism!
Submitted by Bob S.

My kid sold your honor roll student all of the answers to the tests!
Submitted by Joe

If the kid is an honor student, he must not really be yours.
Submitted by David O.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Submitted by Joan T.

Reality bites, and I have the teeth marks to prove it!
Submitted by Robert H.

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
Submitted by Nikki

Your village just called. They're missing an idiot.
Submitted by Nikki

I have a nice body, and its in my trunk.

I can resist anything but temptation.
Submitted by Stephen B.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Submitted by Missy E.

I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Submitted by Bee Jay S.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Submitted by Rob D.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."
Submitted by Rob D.

The Earth is full. Go home.
Submitted by Rob D.

So many pedestrians, so little time.
Submitted by Rob D.

You! Out of the gene pool!
Submitted by Rob D.

Heart attacks. God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Submitted by Rob D.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
Submitted by Rob D.

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
Submitted by Rob D.

Where are we going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Submitted by Susan L.

Jesus is coming, look busy!
Submitted by Peter K.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Submitted by Nancy

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Submitted by Nancy

The closer you get, the slower I go.
Submitted by Scott T.

Why do I have to get married? I didn't do anything wrong.
Submitted by Mario D.

I decided to get in shape, and the shape I chose was a sphere.
Submitted by W. Stinson

By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me.
Submitted by John H.

Sometimes you're the dog and sometimes you're the hydrant.
Submitted by John K.

The urge to scream tells me I must be at work.
Submitted by Meg M.

Lord, please protect me from your followers.
Submitted by Jon L.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.
Submitted by Joe P.

Hug you kids at home and belt them in the car.
Submitted by A.H.

College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day!
Submitted by Angie P.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Submitted by Angie P.

There are not enough hours in the day for all the bitching I need to do.
Submitted by Angie P.

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